The Thing About Soup

I have a thing for soups. Slightly thin and creamy broccoli soup in the summer. Thick, rich vegetable soups the second it becomes sweater weather (or I at least think it should be sweater weather). Hearty beef stews come winter, split pea as comfort food, or chicken noodle yumminess whenever I darn well please.

I just made a pot of vegetable soup. I'm pretty free form with the vegetable kinds. Whatever looks good just kind of goes in.

Vegetable Soup
Ingredients:
1 onion, minced.
3 carrots, peeled and chopped fine.
3 celery ribs chopped fine.
1 large handful of green beans, washed, trimmed and cut into thirds.
4 leaves of chard, sliced super thin.
1 bag of frozen peas.
5 red potatoes, washed and diced. 
3 boxes of chicken broth (yes, this does make a lot of soup - more for later)
Salt and pepper to taste
Tarragon
Oregano
Basil
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp olive oil

Directions:
Heat the butter and oil in a large soup pot over medium heat until the butter is melted. Add the onion, carrot, celery and a heavy pinch of salt to the pot. Stirring occasionally, cook until the vegetables are translucent and smell amazing. Add the broth and other vegetables. Stir. Add the spices to taste (I have never measured my spices in a soup and I don't intend to start now) and simmer until the potatoes are soft.

Serve with a hunk of crusty bread. Yum.

How to Pill a Cat

...or "It's been awhile and I couldn't think of anything else to post."

Note: not original work. This is someone else's and I can't help myself.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently Apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches finge rs and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

How to pill a dog:

1. Wrap pill in bacon

2. Toss bacon in air. 

THE END IS COMING!!!

THE END IS NIGH! THE ALPACAS ARE COMING! ALPACALYPSE 2012! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!