An Interview With Some Code Named Javascript

Host: Hello folks, and welcome to "Interviews with Various Types of Code" here on the YarnGeeks channel! I'm your host, thestashattacked, and I'm here with what some refer to as the "Bastard Child of Web Development..."

(crowd boos dramatically)

Now now everyone. Be nice. Some call him the Bastard Child of Web Development, but his real name is Javascript! Let's give him a round of applause!

(crickets chirp)

Javascript: It's very nice to be here, thestashattacked.

Host: I'm glad to have you. So, tell me, what is it that you do?

Javascript: I'm the third part of a triad of codes called Client Side Code. The other two parts are HTML and CSS. 

Host: For those who are unaware, HTML stands for HyperText Markup Language, and CSS stands for Cascading Style Sheets. What is it that you do with the two of them?

Javascript: HTML determines what your content is. Basically what goes into the paragraphs and headers and such. CSS determines what your web page looks like. I tell it what to do. I'm a form of dynamic code, similar to PHP. 

Host: Ah yes. Your half-brother, PHP. I understand he was born to Web Development and Server-Side code, while your father might have been Client Side. 

Javascript: Largely, yes. We do have similarities in that we're both scripting languages and we're both used to create dynamic web pages, But that's where the similarities end. 

Host: I understand you're harder to learn than PHP. 

Javascript: Well... that would depend...

Host: This is really a simple yes or no question. 

Javascript: I really can't answer that question.

Host: Is it true you weren't fully tested before launch?

(crowd gasps)

Javascript: I was tested! Sort of...

Host: From what I have here in my notes, it says here you were released with little to no lab testing whereas PHP was tested extensively before he was launched.

Javascript: Okay, yes, it's true.

Host: Also, I understand that you deeply enjoy screwing programmers over.

Javascript: Actually no. Just you.

Host: Really?

Javascript: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Host: Dude. Not cool. I've been stumped on a blog post for a month because I've been working with you instead of thinking up funny post ideas.

Javascript: Yeah. I know. I'm sorry.

Host: (huffily) Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Join us next time when we interview PHP and his wife, SQL.

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Sorry about the long delay, folks. I've been working on learning Javascript and let me tell you, it's a tough little booger. 

New Job: Week One

Day 1:

Awake to a feeling of excitement. It's the first day of programming! Open brand new SQL software and start writing customer database. Almost finished, break for lunch.

Lunch over, start where I left off. Queries are not working properly. Notice stupid mistake. Start over. Make same stupid mistake. Try again. Make exact same stupid mistake for the third time! Hit head on desk, start over.

End of day, save work, log off.

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Day 2:

Awake to begin more coding. Suddenly realize all of yesterday's work is gone. Whaaaat??? Discover that this particular SQL software requires a link to a server before it will save work. Frown. Jerry rig Dropbox to act as an onboard server. Start from scratch.

Make same mistake as yesterday. Yell "CRAP!" and start over.

Save to Dropbox, feel smug.

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Day 3:

The software is burning my work in front of me at the end of the day. Dropbox is not SQL compatible. Growl and call boss to get server info (which maybe I should have gotten on day one). Software refuses to hook up to company server. Call server host.

Server hosting company is largely useless. Do online research. Do more online research. Eyes strain. Getting a headache. Call hosting company again. Still useless.

Try one thing. Try another. Call hosting company for the third time, get someone knowledgeable (3rd time's the charm). Discover that this particular software is incompatible with their servers. Swear.

Download server supported software. Try to connect. Fail. Try again. Call hosting company. Back to useless techs.

Sigh and log off. Knit a few rows to prevent myself from throwing computer out the window.

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Day 4:

Grumble and try to log on again. Cannot connect. Call hosting company. Largely useless again. Do online research. Find crucial missing component to cold fusion. Consider winning the Nobel Prize for science. Try to connect again. Fail. Hopes dashed.

More online research. Open mind to the secrets of the universe. It's all so clear now! I can see a solution to most of the world's problems (it involves pie. Lots and lots of pie)! And hey, I've discovered Unified Field Theory! Try to connect. Fail. Weep quietly.

Call hosting company. Spend two whole freaking hours on the phone with a tech. Still can't connect, and in the process I've developed a headache from being forced to listen to the high-pitched, screeching noise their hold service considers to be music for easily half an hour.

Service ticket is made. Log off and take some aspirin.

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Day 5:

I AM THE GOD OF CODE!!!! ALL COMPUTER PROGRAMS WILL BOW BEFORE ME!!!!

Fail at connecting to the stupid database. Sigh. Realize my entire week has ended with nothing to show for it but a twitch over my right eye and a deep desire to begin drinking heavily. I am code's sad and annoyed slave. I exist solely to please the deranged deity in charge of computers.

Log off and knit for awhile.

Well played, computer. Well played.

Yet Another Video Game Review

I'm sorry I haven't gotten on and blogged lately. You can blame my new videogame obsession.

See, the newest Humble Bundle came out, and with it came the premiere of Amanita Designs' newest game, Botanicula.

I would say this is my favorite game that Amanita has produced to date.

Botanicula is a puzzle/adventure game about a group of plant friends who are on a mission to save the last star tree in the world (I honestly don't know what to call it. The problem with all of Amanita's games is that none of the characters use actual words) from these evil spider creatures that suck the life out of everything around them. While they do this, they attempt to right as many of the spiders' wrongs as they can along the way.

Typically of Amanita Designs, the game is visually stunning. Amanita almost seems to be attempting to blur the line between video games and art. Here are a couple screen shots from Botanicula:

Look at those. They are art, plain and simple. When you add in the beautiful music, Botanicula is much more than just a piece of entertainment. And the beauty of Botanicula is that the game is almost magical.

But that's just it, though. These sorts of visually beautiful games are not limited to one of Amanita Designs' games. This is actually quite typical of them. Here's a shot from Machinarium:

Here's one from Samarost:

And here's one from Windowsill.

The fact is, everything they do is remarkably beautiful. Even if it isn't detailed, the game play is smooth,  intuitive, and fluid. I recommend just about everything they've put out. The four I've mentioned here are only a few of the games Amanita Designs has produced.

The visuals aren't the only thing that's inherently beautiful about the design. In every game I keep hoping for a soundtrack that I can listen to when I'm walking around. They have fit the music to the scene perfectly.

You can currently get Machinarium, Botanicula, Samarost 2, and Windowsill with the Humble Bundle.

Special thanks to gamrReview for the screenshots I used. 

Skylar the Dell Laptop Redux

Dear Skylar the Dell Laptop:

I thought I was done with you until my mother phoned me this morning to ask why I fired you from your position as my computer. I was forced to answer honestly.

The reality was, you never wanted to be a computer. Some well-meaning individual at Dell likely told you there wasn't another option. You were born and bred to be a computer. And you humbly and begrudgingly accepted your position.

But the reality was, you always wanted to be a lumberjack.

Letter of Termination

Dear Skylar the Dell Laptop:

It is with a somewhat heavy heart that I feel I must write this post. You have been my laptop for the past two years or so. In that time, we have shared somewhat of an intimacy that I haven't shared with most of my other previous computers. You were there when I felt crazy and needed to write angsty poetry to describe my craziness. You were there when I began my decent into the world of social media by starting not only my Facebook and Ravelry pages, but my twitter, blog, LibraryThing and DeviantArt pages as well. You were there for countless papers, long nights online, and long showings of obscure foreign films on Netflix. You have done quite a bit of work over the years for my job, barely working under the weight of the load called "Adobe." You have, indeed, been my constant companion over the last two years.

However, I should state that despite all of this, nothing you have done has been without great personal cost to me.

I have never had a day of peace in my computing with you. It has always been a fight to remain online, to work without crashing, and to run the way I ask you to. A year ago, it was discovered that you were disabled by a defective motherboard, and you handled yourself admirably. However, the replacement has not worked to my liking.

Recently, the refusal to upload a blog post was the final straw. And so, as it would be with an employee who does not meet office standards (and you would never want to feel that I was keeping you out of a sense of duty), that I feel I must fire you. You are being replaced as of today. Hand over your vast files and leave the building.

Your replacement? With any luck she will be a far better employee than you. I present:



Momo-Tan Mac.

It's been a good run, good buddy. Good, but not great. And after you've been reformatted and turned into a computer to run John's audiology software, I'm sure you'll have a much better time of things.