10 Random Things I Have Posted Online, Completely Out of Context

1) "Oh, and there's PJ the dog. He's, well, actually he may be the most sane creature in the house. Nevermind."

2) "I am disturbed by your excessive use of smiley faces."

3)

4) "No."

5) 

6) "Gotta love cats. Little sociopaths, the lot of them."

7) "Worst. Apocalypse. Ever. #youfailedmemyans"

8) "There is nothing more disheartening than asking a grocery store employee where the matzo is and having them say 'is it cheese or something?'"

9) "... is standing over the patient, scalpel in hand, wondering why she lied on her resume. This will not end well." 

10) 

Okay, maybe you don't need context for that last one.

Merry Warped Christmas to You

It's getting to be the time of year where I start posting my warped Christmas stuff again.

Thank you Lumberjill of Ravelry for posting this video on a swap chatter thread. It's really, really funny.



Oh, and for those of you who followed along last year, how does a Christmas Countdown 2012 sound?

How to Pill a Cat

...or "It's been awhile and I couldn't think of anything else to post."

Note: not original work. This is someone else's and I can't help myself.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently Apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches finge rs and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

How to pill a dog:

1. Wrap pill in bacon

2. Toss bacon in air. 

THE END IS COMING!!!

THE END IS NIGH! THE ALPACAS ARE COMING! ALPACALYPSE 2012! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

And Now for Something Extraordinarily Satisfying

You're welcome.

Skylar the Dell Laptop Redux

Dear Skylar the Dell Laptop:

I thought I was done with you until my mother phoned me this morning to ask why I fired you from your position as my computer. I was forced to answer honestly.

The reality was, you never wanted to be a computer. Some well-meaning individual at Dell likely told you there wasn't another option. You were born and bred to be a computer. And you humbly and begrudgingly accepted your position.

But the reality was, you always wanted to be a lumberjack.

A Video Countdown to Christmas - Day 10

Because monks who take a vow of silence like Christmas carols too.

Rolling on Floor, Laughing Out Loud

For the life of me, I never knew it was that intensive to open a bag of spaghetti.

Simon's Cat Forever!

I absolutely love Simon's Cat! It's a great way to cheer yourself up.

Links Posted by Ravelers

On the last day of this somewhat disastrous contest, I feel the need to post again.

BTW, I've raised $3 in comments. Sigh. I'm giving $15 (that's enough to provide a bag of food to an ASPCA sponsored shelter).

So, without further ado, some funny links Ravelers have sent me.

hyperboleandahalf. Yup, before Ravelry I'd never heard of this site, and it's funny. Impossibly funny. In fact, I recommend reading God of Cake if you have any questions regarding the funny.

Then next link is... a list of comments from Amazon.co.uk. Holy crap. I can't finish them. My eyes are tearing up from laughter. Amazingly silly on so many levels. Who knew foil had so many uses/devoted followers?

A paper on Knitting Dependence. Yup, you heard me. Someone wrote this paper on the fictional mental health disorder, Knitting Dependence. It was apparently for an assignment on determining and researching a mental disorder for submission to the mental health association. Either way, I meet all the criterion. I think the cure might be more yarn.

Here's a hint for the next two links:
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number; you probably haven't heard of it.

Yup, the next two involve everyone's favorite dirty words I can't say for fear of my mother's bar of soap: Hipsters. Oddly enough, hipsters and their amazingly condescending attitudes towards the world are amazingly mockable by those of us who have been afflicted with them (I'm remembering a certain one-time visit to a certain local chiropractor). Unhappy Hipsters (kind of a "what else is new" sort of irony) and Dads are the Original Hipsters. The second one is the really hilarious one.

Ah, Great and Mighty Ravelers. You guys crack me up.